So Close!

 

 

So close…

I seem to have lived my life one step behind:  just a little slower than I wanted to be; just a little less smart; just a little less…well, everything it seems.

Almost there but not quite.

 I guess you could say I am an A minus kind of person. I have never been able to cross that invisible line to A plus, no matter how long I studied, how much I ran, how much I proofread a paper.   In grad school I got all A minuses. That minus cut me to the core. I always read it as:  “nope, not quite good enough to be one of the cool kids.”

Close but no cigar. 

In running, I have great turnover, but because I’m only 4’9” My short stubbly little legs  will never generate any speed, no matter how hard I try. I will run a 5k all day, but always be a step behind and never for the win or even top ten finish.

 I took voice lessons for almost three years. Yes, I got better. Did I get good?  Yeah, no.

So it didn’t surprise me that when I began working on arm balances in yoga and my yoga teacher tells me, “you’re sooooooooo close. You’ve almost got it.” Well, of course I do. Being “this close” is what I do. I’ll never get there though.  I can get into crow, but my toes are about one (okay maybe two) millimeters off the ground, and only for about half a second. Again, close, but not really, and if history is any indication, that is as good as it is going to get.

 I hate being so close. I hate “almost” having it. It feels like I’m destined to always be just a step behind-never quite making it, and it pisses me the hell off.  In fact, I’m getting pissed again just writing about all those A minuses and  that 3.85 GPA (NOT 4.0!).  It makes me want to cry and give up and just accept that I am and will always be,  a “close but not cigar” kinda gal. 

There are worse things to be I suppose. I try to tell myself, and so does my amazing yoga teacher, that I will get it. I try to remember what another yoga teacher told me, “there are no steps to be taken. You are already there; you just don’t know it yet. 

 Let me tell you why that’s bullshit!

After we worked on arm balances and again I was told “sooo close.” I was lying there in Shavasana trying to breathe the frustration and tears away a small still voice said, “all you have to do is not give up.” I so want to believe that voice and know, deep down,  that if I just keep at it I will get it, but it is so hard.  My yoga teacher realizes, probably better than I do, that it is all in my head and if I will just get out of my head, I will get there; that I’m already there I just don’t know it.  I’m trying.  I even told her that I need to find another word rather than “stuck” because that has so many negative connotations.  I haven’t found a new word-YET! But it is my goal before out next session on Tues.

I’m going to find a new word
I’m going to start telling myself that the past does not dictate the future
I’m going to listen to my yoga teacher’s sweet voice when she tells me I can do it.
I’m going to choose to believe her
I’m NOT going to give up
I’m treating myself to a big bowl of ice cream when I get that arm balance.

 



Break Free

That last half mile. You know the one.
The one you do because the previous miles felt good and strong and you know you it is time to push yourself.
The one where every inch of your legs is screaming while your head alternately shouts, "don't you DARE quit!!" and " you've got this."
The one where you shamelessly have that bubblegum pop song on repeat-though you'd never admit it.
The one  you scream, "hell, yeah I did!" at the finish and relish in the sweat pouring off you.
Yeah, that's the one.
That is the one where you break free.

5 For 5 Recenter: Day 4!

I feel like I've hit my stride. I don't know if juicing, working out, meditating and doing something for ME is just more on my radar of if it really is getting easier to be more consistent about these things in my life. It just feels like those things are sliding into place and I'm not having to force it as much That is exactly what I wanted from this.

Five For Five Re-Center: 3: On a Roll, with Curls

Day 3

I think I'm starting to get the hang of it! I actually got my meditation done first thing in the morning and my juice right after. My workout wasn't until 7:30 and was my prima barre class. Plié and up! I have been jotting my blog done while waiting to pick up Zoe after school. That seems to work.

I had a hair appointment to cover up all the gray and had her do my hair fancy. It was totally fun!

No profound thoughts today Just keep on doin' you boo!

5 For 5 Recentering: Day 2 Fancy Nails and a Theme

Hitting hard on day two! Everything ran late last night, but I had an amazing private yoga lesson and then got my nails done! By the time Tiny Dancer and I finally made it home it was time for dinner. Now this is where things usually fall apart for me. It is 5:30 and I still haven't blogged or juiced. This is normally where I would throw in the towel, call myself a major loser and give up two days in. Yup, that's me. Instead of giving up I managed to put the juicer together again and sat down and posted my blog. It was close to seven before I was done and my family was asking what in the hell I was doing, "Mommy's in the zone! Do NOT disturb her!

Fancy Nails!

In reviewing the commitments I've made for these five days of re-centering, I've noticed the theme of creating space for the things I love and to attempt to find a way from letting everything else encroach on my sacred ground. Last night I realized that this is important too. I need to find a way to honor it and not give in.

5 For 5 Recentering

UPDATE

Yesterday was day one and I have to say it went really well. I pulled out my juicer and for a moment wasn't sure I was going to be able to put it all together. It felt like Christmas morning with a kids bike and a zillion pieces that needed to be put together... There HAD to be pieces missing, RIGHT? I don't remember this dohicky? Where does this go again.?

There is NO WAY this is going to make juice!

After taking my dad's amazing advice, "if at first it doesn't go...FORCE IT (and some banging and cursing) I achieved: Shrek pee! YAY!

Shrek pee!! YUM!

 I know, it looks gross, but after a day or two I will actually be out on a street corner selling my kids for kale. I know I'm weird  My poor kids.

My workout was my run. I was SO not feeling it. I got to the gym and hated my life and everything in it  for the first 15 minutes. I never really hit a great groove, I just got tired of listening to myself whine. I told myself what I tell Tiny Dancer when I've had enough of her shizz, "suck it up, Buttercup!" (I'm so making up T-shirts!)  Workout complete with an extra 1/4 of a mile thank you very much!

I got my meditation in too! Not at the perfect time, but I did it and got an amazing wake-up call for it!

Lastly, I got an amazing massage. Oh man! Like a good hair dresser, you really need to click with your massage therapist and I have spent the past two years trying to find another one after my last one abandoned me to go to grad school leaving me and my aching back high and dry.  I finally found someone who gives my low back the love it deserves.

GOALS
I'm a very goal orientated person. It must be from  all those stats classes pounded into my brain during  grad school. What do I want accomplish in these five days? When I was a therapist, one of the questions I used to ask clients in our first meeting was, "when we are all done here, what would you have liked to accomplished, learned or gained?" In these five days I want to feel back on track. I have been so scattered this last month! I want to take a breath. I want to feel centered and in control of my life and not like life is in control of me. I want to silence that screaming shame talk in my head that tells me that I'm being selfish, that the things I enjoy and want to accomplish are silly. I want to stop hiding the things that are not just important to me, but that actually energize me, nourish me, make me feel strong and whole...happy. I want to stop hiding who I am: writer, yogi, runner.



5 For 5 Challenge

With one kid off to college and the other back in middle school today, the house feels strangely haunted. I can almost feel their ghosts: the Boy Child clomping down the stairs, rushing off to where ever 18 year old boys rush off to. Tiny Dancer pirouetting across the kitchen floor. It feels strange. And lonely. And scary.

I'm having a rough time dealing with Boy Child's absence. The presence of his absence is every where. From the laundry room where I'm struggling to make  a full load of laundry, to the empty seat at the dining room table. Tiny Dancer feels it too. She called him to complain that she had to do the dishes now! Ok, so maybe she is not quite feeling it in the same way, but she is definitely feeling it.

Having my family dynamic so dramatically changed has left me feeling off-centered and ungrounded, at loose ends, spinning off the world instead of grounded firmly to it. But my quiet and changed house has also created a space for me to re-center and restore myself. I am going to take advantage of this space and set a 5 for 5 challenge. I'm committing to doing five things each day for five days that I know nourish my body mind and spirit. I hope to reconnect with myself, become re-centered and to adjust to my new family framework in a positive way.

My challenge is going to run from Monday through Friday. I have the house to myself and the time and space to devout to it.

1. Juicing.  I love the way I feel when I do even just one 16 ounce juice a day ( I am partial to kale, spinach, celery, apple and lemon). I feel less bloated (A LOT less), lighter and I have more energy. 

2. Move. I have been doing really well with exercising lately. I love my yoga teacher and my barre classes and  I even do an adult ballet class on Monday nights. I've been running as well and I'm working toward doing four races this fall. The problem is, I let life get in the way. My run is the first thing to go when things get hectic. For the next five days, I am NOT going to let life get in the way. I am doing all my workouts!

3. Meditate. This is another thing that goes by the wayside when things get hectic. In a perfect world. I would wake up an hour before Tiny Dancer and the pups and I would sit outside, enjoy the only cool part (relatively speaking) of the day and I would do my meditation and devotional reading. Sometimes that happens, but most of the time, I'm crawling out of bed just in time to get TD off to school. I am carving out time, even if it isn't at the "perfect time"

4. Something Decadent. This past month has been a killer and a trip to the nail salon, was just not going to happen. I am going to do one thing each day that makes me feel a little guilty for doing: shouldn't I be home doing laundry or something? Don't we need milk? and then, I'm getting the hell over it and doing it anyway!

5. Blog. I love my blog, but you wouldn't know it by the sporadic posting.  Time to show my blog and myself some love and blog about this journey, challenge, bullshit, whatever!

That is what I will be doing for the next five days. Join me if you so desire, You don't have to do the same five things, pick things that nourish YOUR mind, body and spirit and that you don't always let yourself do because you are so busy doing for others. Honor that voice that says, "I'd really love to get back to...!"  If five sounds too daunting then pick three! If you have seven things you really want to work on, then do seven. Tell me what you have picked and then give updates as to how it is going.

I'd love to do this with others so join in!