I Spy...

I spy with my little eye...

I love "spying" on my kids- watching them be completely themselves as they become the amazing people they are meant to be.  It reminds me that they are individuals. They are complete unto themselves in spite of projections I put on them. They have their own dreams, hopes and fears, that have nothing to do with me.  The connection between mother's and their children can be so strong that it  leaves us unable to see beyond our own hopes and dreams for them and not  as they truly are.

I get so wrapped up in the idea of "my child," feeling sure that other parents are looking at and judging me based on my child behavior that they become little extensions of me rather than the autonomous creatures they are and should be allowed to be.

Stepping back and just watching them be themselves with no input from me shows me how amazing they are...in spite of me... and makes me fall in love with them all over again.

Pic is of me spying on Zoe during her violin lesson

TGI Friday and 1/2 Marathon Training, Oh My!!!

Hello from fall in Houston. It has been beautiful here for almost two weeks, which probably means we are in for a shit storm of a winter. For now it is just beautiful here, and I don't get to say that about Houston very often.

I'm multitasking today on the blog. I was going to post yesterday and being a blog loser didn't, so I'm combining the 1/2 marathon (YIKES) training I did along with TGI Friday. It's my blog so, neah!

First off TGI Friday

This Friday I am:

Trusting my inner yogi. I've been doing privates with an amazing teacher and have come so far it is unreal, but I am balking at my home practice. I'm afraid of "doing it wrong" which makes no sense because my yoga practice before this was entirely at home on my own. I'm committing to just getting on my mat every day and see where I go.

Grateful for this amazing weather that has lasted over a week. It is perfect weather for running and sitting out back with the pups.

Inspired by the changing leaves and weather. Change is good.


Yes, I'm training for a half marathon... again. I'm hoping and praying that I remain injury free and that I don't wimp out. Both of which are entirely possible probable.

I'm running the Diva Dash in Galveston on April 19. That gives me six months to get my shit together and train well.

I'm nowhere near ready to run a half, but that is okay because I've got six months. (right?) The goal for now is to make running a habit and not a, "wow, it is a nice day and I feel like it so I'll go for a run" thing. I'm slowly building some base miles (since I have next to none) and getting my head convinced that we can do this! I don't know which is gong to be harder to convince, my head or my legs.

Run, Jess, Run!!!

Expect tons of bitching about running in the months to come!

TGI Friday!

It has been beautiful here in Houston- our one week of Fall I guess, but whatever, I'll take it.

This Friday I am:

Trusting in the openness and patience that will lead me down the right path

Grateful for my amazing yoga teacher who has showed me that I am stronger than I ever dreamed.

Inspired by my Tiny Dancer who has been "stressed" this week but handled it with grace, aplomb and a cotton candy Frappuccino!

Mom Shame

 

"Mom Shame" - That feeling that you're doing all wrong; that because of you your children are going to turn out to be mass murders or worse- will never become productive members of society and live in your house and on your payroll forever.

It doesn't help that all the other moms look like they have it all together. Now, I've had a glass of wine with enough of them to know that this isn't the case at all, but that doesn't stop me from thinking it.

Because my mom shame runs so deep, I'm always intrigued by the so-called parenting experts. I saw the newest one on Oprah (I KNOW!) and went out and bought the book. A lot of what this particular expert had to say resonated with me:

Your children are individuals with individual needs, wants and dreams regardless of the needs, wants and dreams YOU may have for them.
Your children are sent to you to teach you lessons you have yet to learn
The way you relate to and parent your children are triggers of and reactions to your own stuff
In order to parent effectively, you need to deal with your own stuff and get your own crap under control.

What it bottomed down to was this, when you understand the "why" of why you're freaking out on your children or are so obsessed with say, your kids grades,
you give yourself the space to connect to your children in a deeper and more meaningful way (buy the book).

I've recently had some pretty powerful discussions with my grown son regarding the whys behind some of my parenting choices which has created a deeper understanding and bond between us.

So okay, I get this book and decide I've been doing it all wrong all these years and now I'm going to start doing it "right." One of the things this expert advocates is letting your children "sit with" uncomfortable emotions so that they learn to handle them and not rush to "make it all better" which I actually believe in. So when Tiny Dancer had a major melt down this weekend, I stood back and thinking I was "giving her the space to sit with her feelings" let her melt down a bit, until she looked at me and screamed, "Why are you looking at me like I'm crazy?!" and took off running. Yeah, awesome parenting there!

I took off after her and attempted to explain what I was doing and apologized for it not being what she needed. She responded with an adamant, "NO! it was NOT!" So I did what I normally do in these circumstances which turns out to be exactly what she needs. I get her to breathe and in that breath she usually figures out the answer. I then talk to her about how she had the answer all along and feelings pass, all she does has to breathe through them.  Then we had ice cream.

In the end, the meltdown passed, she got the answer and we got through it. I'm not sure that my mom shame will ever go away...maybe with enough ice-cream.