Friday, January 24, 2014

TGI Friday!

This week was a whirlwind of night shifts and sick Tiny Dancers both of which dug into my blog time. I've got to get better about that!

Up on this episode of TGI Friday

I'm trusting that there is truth in this quote, "know in your heart that whatever you truly want to create is possible."

I'm grateful for my tank of a Volvo which got me to work safely during Iceagedon 2014! (what the rest of the world calls WINTER.) Gotta love Houston and its overpasses that tend to freeze and the idiots who insist on driving on them...

I'm inspired by amazing women out in cyber space who make me feel like I could be one of them when I grow up.

Monday, January 20, 2014

#1000 Miles ....STILL Getting There

Had a moment where my body needed rest. I'm still struggling with listening and honoring what my body needs. If I don't work out I feel like such a loser, so it is hard to let myself rest without feeling like I'm letting myself down.

Not a great week, but I'm still getting there!

Mon Jan 13 -0
Tues Jan 14 - 0
Wed Jan 15 - 8: 30 min Kettlebell, 30 min yoga, 3 mile walk/run
Thurs Jan 16 - 0
Fri Jan 17 - 0
Sat Jan 18 - 3
Sun Jan 19 -0
Total for week: 11 miles.

Wow, that is a lot of zeros in there! Did I really only work out two days? Crap. I need to get on the ball! Having in black and white is sure a great motivater to get my ass moving!

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Here Comes the Sun...

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right
Little darling
It's been a long, cold lonely winter
Little darling
It feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

When I was working as a therapist, I dealt with a lot of clients who were dealing with major depression. One of the “homework assignments” I would give them would be to go out the their back porch and stand in the sun. They didn’t even have to get out of their stinky sweats to do it. Just stand in the sun. There is some evidence that sunlight effects serotonin levels and just the act of setting a goal and completing it can give one a sense of accomplishment. I don’t do therapy anymore, but sometimes I go back to the things I used to tell my clients and think, ‘[therapist] heal thyself’

I haven’t felt well this week. It is a common ride in this amusement park that is my life: I start out strong, exercising and calorie counting and then: WHAM! I’ve over done it and feel sick and tired…again. In the past I would get angry with myself, call myself a fat ass loser (“I can show a movie on your ass, Fatso”) and park myself on the couch with a cheeseburger and my besties, Benson and Stabler. I know I crater, I know why (jacked up adrenal glands, not laziness or stupidity) but it still makes me feel less than and I have a lot of shame about it and a lot of…”if you weren’t such a loser you could do it. Look at HER she’s running a marathon AGAIN this week. You suck.” Well, this week I decided to tell that voice to STFU and I decided to be kind and do a sunlight meditation which consisted of 20 minutes of me and my dogs in the back yard, listening to an awesome healing chant, letting the sun wash me clean. Not quite the 3 mile run I had in mind, but it will have to do and I's all right.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

1000 Miles...Get There

The first week of Jan went really well and then this Monday and Tues I cratered and had to rest. I was back at it today with my kettlebell workout and plan to walk/run this afternoon.

Jan 2 - 30 min kettlebell and 30 min yoga = 5miles
Jan 3-6 none
Jan 7- 30 min kettlebell and 30 min yoga = 5 miles
Jan 8 - 5 mile walk/run
Jan 9 - 3 mile walk/run
Jan 10 - none
Jan 11 - 30 min kettlebell and 30 min yoga = 5 miles
Jan 12 - 3 mile walk/run
Total = 26 miles!

974 to go!

Friday, January 10, 2014

TGI Friday

Today I am:
TRUSTING that the idea I have, and what I have been inspired to do, has come to me for a reason and that following the inspirations will be "ok"
GRATEFUL for the time and space to write, meditate and move
INSPIRED my my fellow runners, bloggers and crackhos done good

Thursday, January 9, 2014

First New Word: You

The past few days I have laid low and focused on just "doing me." It has been cold here in H-town, so the dogs and I have curled up under blankets and I have cocconed myself with all my writing notebooks,  IPAD, laptop, pens and cups of tea. I've meditated, written, worked out (walking and yoga mostly) and have fed my body nice, clean, healthy meals. I have consciously not scheduled any appointments, and besides having to work second shift this evening, I have not left the house expect to take Tiny Dancer to dance class. It has been awesome. I felt a little irritated today that I had to leave my little nest to spend time at the evil place they keep my paycheck.

I know I can't spend every day curled up doing what I really want to do. Real life beckons and kids and dogs demand to be fed, but it was nice to be reminded that I have things I want to do as well, and I feel happier and better when I do them. And it is OK to spend time on me.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Failure is an Option

As somebody once said, there's a difference between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is simply the non-present of success. Any fool can accomplish failure. But a fiasco, a fiasco is a disaster of mythic proportions. A fiasco is a folktale told to others, that makes other people feel more... alive. Because it didn't happen to them. -Elizabethtown

Several years ago, I had an epic...fiasco at work. Most of it was my own doing and my own perception of the events rather than what actually transpired, but I left my job, broken, disheartened and totally convinced I was the worst social worker ever and not ever wanting to practice social work again. For two years I stayed at home, hiding behind the excuse that I was "home with the kids" and looking at various Master's programs at the local university thinking I would replace the label of social worker with something new. I wasn't a social worker, I reasoned, since I had so completely failed at it, therefore I needed to become something new, something I wouldn't fail at.

When nothing really struck me, and the reality of paying tuition for yet more education sunk in, I tentatively stuck a toe in the water and sent out a couple of resumes. I ended up in the scariest job I could think of...Emergency Department Social Worker. Yeah, holy crap, huh? A year and a half later I'm still there. I'm still terrified every single day I go to work, but I don't think I've failed there and even feel I might have done some good, however I am getting a little tired of having panic attacks while driving to work wondering what bad thing is going to happen at work that day and if I'm going to be able to handle it. I mean, I work in a level one trauma center ER, the only things that happen there ARE bad things, but I don't feel like a failure anymore. In fact, I want to go back to the last job and tell them, "in your face, assholes. Trying doing what I do NOW! And I do it WELL!"

I may have failed but I also survived, but he fear of failure still freezes me in my tracks. Which is why when a challenge to move 1000 miles between New Year's and the Fourth of July came up on my Twitter feed I was all, "there is no way I'll never be able to do 1000 miles. I will just fail." The rules are simple: one hour of intentional movement equals five miles. You can do what ever you want. You just have to do it, but I had no faith that I could.

At first I blew it off, but then the awesome woman, Jenn, who started the challenge posted something like, if you are stuck, then move, which was like a nice slap across the face. Oh, I'm stuck, I'm stuck so hard, and I realized that, crap, I'm going to have to do this stinking thing, aren't I? Again, all I could think was, "what if I fail? What if I don't make the1000 miles? Yeah, what if? Then I guess Jenn can use me as a folktale. There are worst things that could happen. So, I've accepted the challenge, and as of today have moved a total of 20 miles! 980 miles to go!

 Meanwhile, Jenn is working on her folktale blog...

Check out Jenn, her awesomeness and her challenge on Twitter: @just_say_jenn and on her blog:

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

New Year, New Moon and Three Words

'We will open the book. It's pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves.  The book is called opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." -Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Okay, so New Year's Day was a week ago. I'm a week late, but whatever, I'm here now. And we won't even talk about how long it has been since I've posted/written a blog. I'm choking on all the dust in this place! Again, whatever, I'm here now. I don't know if my blogging will be any different than in the past: stopping, starting, creating new blogs only to have them wither away in a few months, weeks, we will see.  After all, it is a new year, complete with a new moon. It is time for new adventures, new goals, new fears, new challenges and new words to put on the blank pages.

I found a word find exercise where the first three words you saw were yours for the new year.  I searched and the first one that immediately popped up was YOU. Interesting, since I have been so looking forward to this day (the day everyone returned to school leaving me free to meditate, workout, and write in peace or more correctly, without any one around to see me.  Why I feel the need to hide (especially from my family) is definitely something to ponder in the new year...and get the hell over!

The second word that jumped out at me, and this one took awhile to find was INTELLIGENCE. Since I don't consider myself very smart, almost ditzy to a fault, this word will also be interesting to discover over the next year.

The third word didn't shock me: Love Definitely a loaded worded for sure. I'm actually a little afraid to delve too deeply into this word. Too afraid to find what is at the bottom and root of this four letter for me.

My own word of the year is PUSH. Push through the fear. Push myself and harder than I believe I can go. Push onward to he next great is out there...waiting.