Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Not Ready to Make Nice

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

So, it's been a minute... Lots has happened. Lots to say. Lots of emotions.

I'm not quite sure where to start. This could end up being a very long post.

First, why I'm back. Well, I've missed blogging. Blogging seems to provide me with a sense of motivation and support that I need. It is also helpful to read back through old posts and see the progress I have made. Very helpful to me. And that has been a big a part of where I have been: finding out what is helpful to me on my journey toward health, and what is not.

I'm still on this journey, although the destination has changed. This blog began when I was trying to lose weight for my sister's wedding (which was four months ago!) The wedding was beautiful (and so was my sis) and I was determined to focus on HER day and not the way I looked in my dress! Yes, there were moments when I thought, "Ug! I am so freaking FAT! I look awful!" but I quickly pushed that thought out of my head and looked at my sister, and how I looked meant absolutely nothing at all. But the appearance of recent health issues has necessitate a change in my journey. My bridesmaid bootcamp has now become my LIFE bootcamp and the goal has changed from dropping lbs to getting strong and healthy, to just feeling better damn it!

Right before I left for California, I had gotten a cold and it lingered for about a month. I found a great doc who ran a ton of blood work which indicated a pretty serious hormone imbalance. I discovered that working out too intensely sent my hormone levels (specifically Cortisol) plummeting and left me on the couch, unable to to much of anything. It was time to re-evaluate.

I began an intense hormone replacement regimen and began to think long and hard about what my true goals were and exactly what I needed to realistically do to meet them. I thought I had it figured out. I wrote up an action plan with goals and objectives (making sure they were SMART. Thank you, Dr Russell's stats class! haha)  I created a daily checklist and derived intense pleasure for each check mark I was able to make. I was making progress! I was feeling stronger. I had more energy. My workouts were becoming longer and  more intense.I was feeling good. And even though I it wasn't a true goal, I actually dropped some weight.  I was meeting my goals. Go ME!

And then...


I let it all go to shit. The fact that it went all to shit doesn't piss me off nearly as much as why I let things crash and burn. I let others  make me feel as if what I was doing wasn't good enough. That my workouts weren't intense enough, hard enough, and therefore not good enough. Never mind that what I was doing was actually working for me and that I was meeting my goals.


I gave up...again. But WHY? I mean, what the hell is THAT, giving up on a plan that was actually working? I would understand if it wasn't working and the plan needed to be re-evaluated, but to quit on something because I let myself feel less than? That is just plain, well....stupid.

It's taken me awhile to get back in the swing of things and convince myself that my goals are MY goals, nobody else's and I get to choose what works for me! I am in control. Not anyone else and damn sure not that nasty voice in my head!

Hey, let's be real here. I'm never going to look like a fitness model and I am totally ok with that.  I'm okay with the length and the intensity of my workouts. I'm not going to let myself feel bad because they aren't longer or more intense, because, well, if they are meeting my goals, do they really have to be?

We have a saying in social work, "meet the client where they are." This is where I am right now: trying to find a balance between getting the exercise my body needs to feel healthy not pushing myself so hard that I end up making myself sick. Yes, that happened.  That is where I am going to meet myself. When I'm further along, I'll meet myself there too.

So my goals:
Look like a fitness model
Run a 5K.
Work with my doc to regulate my hormone levels
Feel better damn, it!

How am I going to do this? Slowly. I'm just now walking 30 minutes 4-5 days a week. I'm going to start a Couch to 5K program here again in the next few weeks. I also started taking a Prima Barre class twice a week. I love these classes they seem to help strengthen my feet, ankles, hips and make it easier for me to run
I'm going to rest when I need to.
DO ME! and not worry that I'm not doing enough! Do I feel strong? Do I feel healthy? Is my energy level up? Am I progressing toward my ultimate goals, even if it is slowly? Yes?? Then that nasty voice can pipe the f@#$ down, I'm not making nice with you!

No comments:

Post a Comment